An open letter to the boy I love now

Dear you,

It’s been some time since we’ve been together. We’ve long exhausted the honeymoon stage of our relationship and we’ve come down to real life. There is no ore floating through time and space on a cloud with tiny hearts buzzing around our heads; we have entered reality.

Yet it seems that despite the early parts of our relationship coming to an end, we have remained strong together. It is your heart that beats in time with mine, as we take on both life’s pleasures and pains. We walk through life no longer on clouds and hearts, but on trust and commitment. It’s amazing to think that at our age, being so young, yet expected to be an adult, that this was one commitment that has been easy. You are easy to love. And that comes from years of experiences together.

We have grown together, from carefree teens, to adults with responsibilities, jobs, and lives that do not always mesh. But above it all, our hearts, though not always beating together, keep the rhythm that helps us dance our way through life. 

It’s true, not every moment is perfect. I have said words that have hit you like a tidal waves, and I had intentions of hurting you. And you’ve fired back at me with daggers that dig deep into my soul and then you turn the knife. But through this, we grow. Apologies have taken us above and beyond those tenacious attempts to batter one another, eventually leading us back down the path of love which we momentarily strayed from. And when we find our way back we move through the beauty of love and life gracefully, as we once did before.

We have built a life together. Maybe not physically, but I have watched you build pillars of your dreams and you hold my pedestals of hopes high and remind me that I am deserving. Our achievements and downfalls have grown us together and kept us grounded in reminders that love can make us fly. 

So to the boy who has my heart, thank you; for growing with me. Excelling and falling. Achieving and failing. Picking me up, and most of all, loving. 
I could never replace you. 

Sincerely, 

Your other half

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An open letter to the boy who took a piece of my soul 

It seems like a casual hello, won’t possible justify the years and time we have not spoken. It feels like forever, despite the fact that you cross my mind every day. 

It’s been a long time since you left. Since I moved on and learned to love again. Despite the ideal that time heals all wounds, it cannot heal the piece of me that you took with you. I am indeed a whole person, but no matter what i do or how I love, my soul is not full. You have a piece of it, and whether it’s been kept in your pocket, a side drawer, the back of a closet, it seems as though you’ve forgotten about it. 

To me, you seem to go on being whole. You seem to exist on pages, flashes of memories and the back of my mind. And for that I am happy. Happy you are not hung up on me, happy you have moved on, happy you can love someone else entirely. I have wanted nothing for you but happiness since you’ve left. 

Despite our occasional run in, which are usually followed with quick hellos and slight waves. I see my soul in the turnt up corners of your lips. I imagine it sounds ridiculous, but happiness is what we thrived off of and I believe that the piece you have of me has gone on living in your happiness. 

I imagine you’ve given yourself to someone new, and your soul lives in her as it once danced with mine so long ago. And that fills me with both joy and despair. I hope you do not keep a piece of her if you decide to leave. 

A piece of my soul remains with you. In the back of your mind, your smile, your pocket. Wherever you have chosen to keep it that day. And though it no longer sits with yours and they no longer peacefully glow together as they once did, I know for sure, that though you may not know it, nor want to admit, that i too have kept a piece of you. And it lives in me. Its glow slowly dimming, but never extinguishing. 

 

Trying to become a real adult

All my life I have worked a multitude of jobs. I’ve been working since I was 13 years old. I started off babysitting, and then moved on to being a cashier, tutoring, retail, etc. By the time I was in college I was going to school and working 3 jobs. I loved the idea of not being a financially struggling college student living off of ramen. My roommates also worked 50+ hours a week. So we often rewarded ourselves by going out to dinner, taking a trip, or treating ourselves to some new additions to our apartment. Our friends and colleagues told us we all worked too much and had no life, but I knew if I wanted to get out of college somewhat debt free, and still enjoy my college experience, I needed to work. I kept my grades up and graduated. 

Now that I’ve been thrown into the real world and I still haven’t found my sled a career, I work 3 jobs. I’m a nanny during the morning hours, I work 35+ hours a week in my retail job, and I spend the rest of my time as a tutor.

My boss is convinced I’m a secret millionaire. 

Wishful thinking, I’m far from millionaire status. I have however, been looking for a career to begin supporting myself for real. It’s exhausting to be working as much as I do at different places for minimum wage pay. My college degree is screaming USE ME, but my bills are screaming PAY ME. 

At 22, I’m in a monotonous grind of hating my job and dreading what i do. I need a real job that I enjoy. Trying to become a real adult is harder than college itself. I can’t help but feel this is not how I should be spending 22.

An Open Letter To My Cat

Dear fur baby,

I’m not sure if you can understand me when I talk to you or not, but I just wanted to say I love you (in case I don’t say it enough). I love when you nuzzle your wet nose against my neck in the morning to wake me up. I understand it’s out of hunger rather than love, but I enjoy our morning cuddles regardless. I love our ten minutes of morning time together. While you sit on the table as I drink my coffee and munch on my eggs and work on my writing or emails for the day. I think you only sit up there for the warmth of the laptop, but I enjoy having our “us” time. I’m sorry that I have to leave you home alone during the day (it hurts me more than you) I think about what you’re doing or playing with quite often during the day. I know you probably love having the run of the house and that you most likely tak this time to drink from the toilet bowl or or scratch at the sofa without getting yelled at, but since in the one leaving you, I feel like you deserve to do what you want. I apologize for when I have too many friends in my house and one of them sits in your spot on the couch or runs from you whe you rub against their leg for attention. I always try to slip you a piece of whatever I’m eating as a treat and apology for their behavior. Thank you for spending endless hours on my lap purring and letting me pet you. It’s the most relaxing part of my day. And finally, thank you for your unconditional love despite the amount of times I step on your tail, accidentally knock you off the bed, or feed you to late in the morning while I’m trying to get myself off to work. You’ll always be my favorite family member. 

Love,

Your human

10 Ways To Know You’re The Nurses’ Favorite

For all of you that don’t know, I’m a cancer survivor (yay!) and that’s pretty cool. 

Right now I’m sitting in my oncologist office, going on and on about what I do now and where I’ve been since treatment. 

But it’s not like going to the doctor.

Nurses fight over me when I come in here. It’s pretty cool! I guess minus the cancer thing. Somewhere between my diagnoses and my sparkling personality (ha) they all like me quite a bit. But I digress.

10. When you have to pee in a cup for your urine sample, no one is disgusted to take it from you, in fact they feel honored.

Today particularly consisted of me running from the bathroom, down the hall, all while screaming “Jen! (My favorite nurse) I have a present for you!” Meeting her in the middle and following up with “It’s pee.” 

9. You don’t need to explain for the millionth time that they CANNOT use your left arm to draw blood. 

Or at least, I won’t let them use anything but my right arm. It has a high pain tolerance and better veins,💁🏻 but I’m sure to each their own.

8. No one laughs at you when you’re 22 and still ask for numbing spray before a needle stick

WHY would I say no to not being able to feel the needle? Spray me til my arm falls off, as long as I don’t feel the stick.

7. You spend more time catching the doctor up on your life and what you’ve been up to than you do talking about your health.

No cancer in my body? Awesome. Please let me vent to you about my job, my boyfriend, my family, and my life now. 

6. Nurses fight over who gets to take care of you.

I love going into clinic and seeing everyone go from friendly hellos to “YOU GOT HER LAST TIME, ITS MY TURN!” It’s a quick boost to your ego.

5. Your appointment may be over, but you’re not going home.

You’re sitting at the nurses station discussing each other’s lives and jobs, until someone’s chemo pump beeps.

4. You’re whole heartedly broken when there’s a new nurse who pulls you from the waiting room because you know they’ll ask you the same questions a million times that the other nurses already know the answers to.

“Personally, no I don’t want you to tell me my weight in pounds. Kilograms is fine, no please don’t convert it for me!” “My temperature always runs a little lower than normal.”                                        “I know that lower number is high for my blood pressure but rest assured, it’s consistent”

3. You’ve debated going to nursing school once or twice, purely because you want to be an awesome Nurse like the ones you have.

2. Different doctor visits means multiple nurse families. 

#chronicillnessperks?

1. It never feels like a doctor visit, more like catching up with a friend you haven’t seen in awhile. 

“I have to make an appointment for 6 months down the line, but if you have one around 4 months that’s fine too”
Let’s face it, 6 months is a long time to not see your favorite medical family ❤️

Thank you to all my nurses, specifically my oncology nurses who go the extra mile for their patients, ensuring their happiness and comfort all while making us well again 😁 

 

My College Degree Was A Waste

Yup, I said it. My college degree feels like a total waste. I started off wanting to be an English major, with a concentration in Education. So naturally, I took off running, taking as many English credits as I could as soon as I began school. Once I decided on teaching, I was applying to my university’s education program and was determined to do a five year program in only four (I’m too poor for a 5th year). One thing led to another and, well, I didn’t get my degree in teaching, BUT I did graduate with my degree in English. Yes I said it, English. “But Jess, what will you do with that degree if you don’t teach?” Hell if know. I’ve been working 3 part time jobs since I left college and am dying for a full time career. I shift back and forth about whether or not teaching is the right fit for me, all while trying not to be embarrassed by a degree I wasn’t planning on getting so took no time in pursuing internship opportunities or professional relationships while in college, which left me at a dead end when I graduated. So that’s great. To all the other fellow college grads who feel like their degree was a waste of their time, I totally feel you. I hope we find our way in the world.

I’m new to this

So here I am on wordpress, after an internal fight for going on three years whether or not to blog my writing. I have no clue what I’ll be writing about, or how often it will be, or if anyone will even care, but here I am.

 

I’ve posted a picture of my cat for everyone to enjoy until I get myself together.

~Jess